Baby thoughts while reality bites

Vampires and babies

2010-07-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

So, while I wasn't TTC'ing I found an awesome show: Vampire Diaries.
Also found out that a new writer is headed to the show for season 2 and she is also a choice mom her blog is pretty awesome. Check it out.

Love the show. Love Damon. Why wouldn't I? He is nothing short of amazing.

And in the mean time a woman from CCRM called me telling me I need to get my tests in order: mammogram (yes, I need this), PAP (yes) and other things...I'm annoyed. I just want to get IVF and be done. I hate that now I am moving to IVF I have to have every test under the sun....

But Dora is right. I am lucky to have CCRM in my backyard.

We'll see.

xxoo my choice friends. Until later, I am thinking about you all!

Getting caught up

2010-07-21T18:09:00.000-07:00

Oh how do I do it?

I'm so behind in everyone's blogs it's making me crazy.

It's time to get caught up. Speaking of which, remember my wee little tomatoes I planted in May?

And look now:

Apparently I forgot that tomatoes do grow. Ye of little faith.

Every single day things change. You with the little ones know this best. Every single day brings a new development. Pretty amazing and sometimes, pretty scary.

So thus, I feel years behind not weeks. I see babies where there were none. I see pregnancies where there were none. It's awesome as it is encouraging and I'm ready to get back to being with you all every step of the way!

My blogging is a two-sided journey. Me connecting with you is as important as the blogs I write, if not more.

So, today, I read and I respond and I get caught up and I look forward to so much more!

Try with a little help from my friends

2010-06-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm back.

A lot of thinking. A lot of escaping. A lot of a lot of.....

Final thought: with out this, what am I?

I'm afraid to be the old mom, I'm afraid to fail, I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid.

And then I re-read your comments. And thought about Joe Cocker's song "Little help from my friends".

Joe, you couldn't have said it any better. Those lyrics really have two meanings for us wannabebabymakers don't they?

It's true. I'll try with a little help and get by with a little help from my friends.

My blog-landers especially. I glossed over my true feelings to my real-world friends and let it all hang out with you guys and wow was I overwhelmed by the kind words. (Though I hid from them for a while....)

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I mean it! All of you. I took each and every word to heart. I appreciate you all being kind to me even though this was only attempt #2 (and in really #1, but I'm too weird about things not to count it).

I know there are people out there who have tried many, many times before they got prego or moved on to other means. My reaction may seem harsh, but it's my feelings. I like to be in control of my life, and there is no control in baby making.

Dora did ask me if I thought about IVF - great question and I agree, my doctor and I had only planned for 3 attempts due to my age. My chances go up, way up, but the sticker shock freaks me out.

So ultimately I have decided to go right to IVF. I am literally on the edge of losing that chance based on my age. I feel like I have been given a wrapped package from God in that I have eggs and my numbers are good so I need to go this route.

Why? Because I can't stand this waiting and not knowing. With the study at C.CRM, if I'm not in the group whose embryos are tested prior to implantation, the rest of my embryos will be tested for further use. Bottom line is my chances are better. I would rather spend 15 times the money on one try than go through what I did the last two times.

So, my goal: IVF in Sept or Oct.

I'll keep you up to date. And yes, I will "Try with a little help from my friends" and "I will get by with a little help from my friends"...

Speaking of which, I have some serious catching up to do. I see some babies have been born since I took my "break".

Love you guys. Thank you. (And thank you my non-blog-land friend who reached out to me- you know who you are!!!)

The Picture: A Summer Solstice View of Telluride and the most amazing band in all the land, Mumford and Sons. Download the entire album and be prepared for great music.

Bust

2010-06-06T17:53:00.000-07:00

At least I know my body well. I was sure of this being a no-go at the beginning of week 2 and it was a no-go.

I am glad I'm on a forced break this month and am considering taking July off too. I know I'm too old to take any time off, but I just don't know if I have it in me to go through this anymore.

I feel like a failure. I wish I wouldn't have told a single person I'm doing this, then no one would know that I am a loser.

Sorry folks. I'm just sad and tired.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am taking this break as an opportunity to kick my health into high gear. I need to lose 15-20 lbs and get back into the shape I was before I tore my ACL last year. So, I will focus and smile tomorrow. Today I wallow.

10 really annoying days past IUI...

2010-06-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Sigh.

I am really beginning to feel like this cycle was a bust.

I know it's early, but my symptoms are similar to those I felt last time.

I'm not going to get worked up until I can POAS on Friday (day 13).

Meanwhile, I can look forward to this - Telluride Bluegrass Festival. This is a picture of the line to get in (people line up really early each day.) Believe it or not, the lining up is part of the fun.

It's totally a chill place to watch music. It's laid back, relaxing and a lot of fun. Because of this, I won't be TTCing in June because my O days falls squarely in the middle of the fest. This is good because I need a month to get my funds together. TTCing has been really rough on my budget, really rough.

Anyway, I will try to stay positive, but I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant.

Of course, I will continue to fantasize about a positive until it's true. Oh, and funny enough like last time I will be testing while on a business trip. Fun, oh fun.

Show and Tell

2010-05-30T10:15:00.001-07:00

Two years ago I went to Rwanda and built a house for a single mom with 4 children. It was there that I knew I needed to have children and that I could adopt. In fact, it's my plan to have one and adopt one (we're still working on the first part).

Anyway here are some pictures of the children in Rwanda. They were amazing kids - full of life and energy.

For some reason I have been thinking a lot about Rwanda lately and the children there so I thought I would share some pictures.

Baby wearing at its best!

Two children getting water. The water they have available is disgusting..it's the same water from which the cattle drink. The organization that organized our trip to Rwanda had rooftop water collectors installed in all the school building so at least the school children can have good water. We also built two wells the year before I came. Unfortunately one broke and the other is very far away.

Some more beautiful faces:

School girls on their way to school. The uniforms cost money, which many of these villagers don't have. I sponsor a child so that she has money for her uniform.

Some children didn't smile. Many didn't get to go to school. Here's a boy with no uniform, which means no school.

And finally a couple more kids. There were several kids who were everywhere we were in the village. The girl to the left is Katafina. She ended up getting sponsored by another woman on the trip.

That's all for show and tell. Have a great Sunday.

The Bond

2010-05-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

While in California, I had the pleasure of hanging out with my favorite couple. We had an amazing time. In fact we packed in more in one day than I normally do on an entire long weekend!

They have been married now for over 4 years and are childless, though a crib stands in waiting in their room. They have tried IUIs and IVF (once), and after multiple losses, they are now ready for domestic public adoption. I pray for them and know that in one way or another, they will have a baby.

So what's the Bond? The Bond is that even though she's married and living a life I would love to have, we have something in common: the desire to be moms. And, because I am doing this alone, I must go through IUIs and maybe IVF to make this happen, so the natural way isn't an option.

Thus, we're linked. We know what it's like to arrive for an IUI in strong anticipation, we understand the pain of loss (though I haven't had this happen to me, I have a deep understanding of it because of my blog community - marrieds and Choice Moms.), to anticipate. Everything we do is planned and involves doctors, everything the marrieds do is planned and often involves doctors.

The conversation flowed between us because she felt comfortable and I too.

Thus the Bond. That's why a lot of us follow the marrrieds and their struggles and triumphs, and perhaps why they follow us too.

It's wonderful, this thing we call the Internet(s)!

So I raise a wheat grass shot to all the Single Ladies and all the Married Ladies out there TTCing! Here's to you my sisters!

My First IUI Take 2

2010-05-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Today I had what I am now calling my first IUI. It's now official that last time she got the sperm some where near my uterus, but certainly not in it.

Bottom line it worked this time! Here's the low down on the good and the bad of this roller coaster ride of baby making by yourself:

Good: Feeling confident with my nurse that she could get me to Monday for my IUI so Dr. M could be there.

Bad: Going in for my follicle check on Thursday to find that Monday wasn't an option and the follicles on my left ovary were too small, and the one of the follicles on my right was too big.

Good: It only takes one good follicle to make a baby and I had one good follicle.

Really Bad: Learning that there would be no doctor at my IUI. This made me cry (after I left the doctor's office).

So Good: Calling my nurse to cancel the IUI that same day as the follicle check and finding out she had already confirmed a doctor would be on duty Saturday just in case the nurse couldn't do it. This made me very happy.

Good: My awesome injecting skills with the Ovidril.

Bad: The huge injection site bruise I have now. Okay, it's not really a "bad", in fact it's more like something you want to show off.

Good: Feeling great this morning getting ready for my IUI. I actually got dressed up. I didn't want to look like some haggard old single lady sitting all alone at CCR.M's mega offices (the only office open on Saturday).

Bad: Realizing that I had my phone on silent and not receiving the multiple calls to confirm it's okay to thaw the sperm. They called all morning and I didn't see it until I grabbed my phone to head out the door for my appointment. This sent me into a panic because when I called the office the answering service picked up. Lot's of very eloquent swear words were involved in this particular "bad".

Good: My sperm donor's sample: 81 million count, 2+-3+ rate of progression and 50% motility.

Kind of bad, but not really: Realizing as I was taking off my jeans that I had forgotten my lucky socks. They weren't so lucky last time, so I didn't sweat it.

Very bad: The fullness of my bladder and the fact that my nurse had a really tough time locating my cervix. It's ultrasound guided so while she was poking and prodding, the U/S tech had to apply pressure on my bladder to help guide her. Ugh. It was horrible.

V V GOOD: My nurse knowing when to say when and calling the big guns. The doctor on duty is the famous doctor associated with CCR.M, Dr. SchCrft. His day was full of retrevials and transfers and it was really obvious he was annoyed to be doing a simple IUI. BUT, I can excuse his bedside manner (or lack there of) because within minutes I felt that familiar pain associated with doctors poking my cervix and he was in. U/S tech said the catheter was nice and high in my uterus - so the swimmers didn't have to go far.

By the way, MY doctor, Dr. M, would have probably hugged me after it was done, so just because the clinic is famous doesn't mean all the doctors are cold.

GREAT: Knowing that I really got inseminated this time. Let's just hope that the swimmers met my egg and we're off to the races!

This is kind of how I felt after my IUI (this is a picture of a panda who had just gotten inseminated)

Getting out of Dodge

2010-05-15T06:50:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to report that I will be in LA for several days. I have business there on Monday through Wednesday, but I am coming in early to meet up with friends who used to live in Denver.

I need to get out of my house, take a step back and regroup because this tunnel-vision is killing me. I don't know what I like or what I want anymore. Yes, I want to have a family, but I can't let that consume me.

For example, while picking up Isi's special food at the vet's this morning, I decided to swing by the garden shop located nearby. Within two feet of entering the store I was energized and excited! Why? Because it hit me: I love to garden, to plant to play in the yard and gave it barely a thought through out the Spring because I was too busy getting U/S rods shoved up me, blood drawn, POASing and obsessing.

What I realized is I need to live for today while working on tomorrow. I'm scared and anxious about the future, but it can't consume my todays.

So to all the lovely women out there wanting, wishing and working on starting or adding to a family, I want you all to stop and ask yourself "What used to bring me joy before TTCing took over my life?"

Add that portion to the TTC part and maybe we have a see-saw that isn't always pointed one way.

And meanwhile remember everything changes and morphs and becomes something different than before. Remember that "this too shall pass", whether it a happy time or a horrible time, "this too shall pass".

So too shall these wee little buggers in my garden....give them a month or too and all will change - just like us, and just like our circumstances.

All set - Maybe

2010-05-11T17:11:00.001-07:00

I am pretty confident that they (my clinic) isn't 100% sure that I really got an IUI on try #1- an ICI for sure - but not an IUI. This is based on all the comments from my nurse and because my doctor put me on cervix-softening medication. I don't think they are certain about it - but because it took so long and my nurse is hyper-aware, I'm wondering. In either case odds aren't in my favor.

So I took cervix softening medication two nights ago - and it's for my IUI. Isn't that weird and mildly creepy? Creepy that one single pill can works 2 weeks later. Apparently it's the same medication used (with other meds) to cause an pharmaceutical abortion. It states very clearly: do not take if you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

Because my cervix is so unfriendly, my nurse really wants my doctor to perform the IUI this time so we have to "push" my natural cycle a bit. We're going to try to get me to ovulate on the 17th. On clomid, I've been consistent on the 15th, but with the trigger, she thinks she can make this happen. She just doesn't want my follicles to get too big.

So, I will be IUI'ing hopefully on the 24th!

Meanwhile I saw this sticker on a car at CCRM. Does anyone else think this is morbid?

BFMFerN!!!

2010-05-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

I didn't need to test. Nature did that for me.

I was 100% sure that it was negative, but still even after the BFN on the 12th day and even after spotting started, I still kept fantasing about getting a positive and being shocked and posting about being wrong....blah, blah, MFing blah.

I'm cranky and sad and crampy. God what a combination.

I know, I know it's only the first time. I know many people have gone through soooo much more and many still are waiting for their bundle of joy, but woe is me. Woe is me!!! Waaaaaa! (Feet stomping, full on tantrum right now.....)

Thanks to everyone for posting and being positive. It's true - I could have tested too early and believe me, I wanted that to be the case. I really appreciate the feedback and support.

Because I was traveling Friday, I wasn't able to get an appointment set up for Monday. Hopefully they'll be able to fit me in b/c I need to do my U/S so I can start clomid. I'm going to see what else they can give me - whatever it is, I'll swallow it, shoot up, drink it, insert it....I don't care, just get me to the BFP!!!

It's a bust

2010-05-05T04:15:00.000-07:00

Quick post - it's the ass-crack of dawn and I'm up because I'm catching a flight to the East Coast for a biz trip. Rhode Island.

Bad news: I tested this am 12dpiui and a BFN. So it's on to IUI #2.

I am not surprised as all I felt was AF and absolutely nothing different.

Good news: I can eat awesome Rhode Island oysters b/c I know I'm not preggo.

Part of me is wondering (still) if they got the swimmers in the right place. My questions comes from the fact that besides being very uncomfortable (full bladder), I never felt that pain that comes from having your cervix poked....I guess we'll never know. I am requesting that we work this out so my doctor can do the procedure next time - or a PA.

I better get on the phone and order more vials. I think I am going to order two this time since shipping is so expensive. This whole thing is very, very expensive. I only have a enough money to really try this a third time and then I'm just moving to IVF (which is very, very expensive too, but I'll be doing the study - so it will be 1/2 the cost - and my chances are a lot better, especially looking at CCRM's numbers).

Upward and onward.

8 days past sweet love with a turkey baster

2010-05-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen this image before? I think it's pretty cool. This image and the knowledge of what is really happening those first 8-9 days has helped me stay pretty calm about things, because I knew I really wouldn't be feeling anything and there would be no symptoms.

But....

That was Then. This is Now.

(All apologies to S.E. Hinton.)

Now, I'm on day 8 and I am sure that I'm not preggo. I feel this extremely, extremely mild cramping and I know I've felt this way before. I'm wishing now that I had gotten an acupuncturist. Maybe they could have calmed my uterus a bit. But ultimately, I won't know anything until I can actually test or it gets closer to AF day so I shouldn't be predicting.

Ugh, ugh and ugh.

Not much more to say. Oh, slightly funny story: For those of you who read a lot of blogs, you're probably familiar with the acronym, DH, which means Darling Husband. For the longest time I thought it meant Designated Hitter, because these blogs were about getting prego and you know you bring the the designated hitter when you want a home run! Ha. (Actually the DH is only used for the pitcher, but regardless I was sure that's what it meant)

Follicle Size

2010-04-29T18:48:00.001-07:00

Call me stupid but I just now figured out the measurements my doc uses are cm, versus what other docs us, mm, to measure follicles.

I needed to figure that out to guess how big my follies were at ovulation (my nurse says they average about .2 a day at that point). Why? Because of course, I'm obsessing about everything.

I am doing okay in my 2ww. I know things are going to blow up come Tuesday (9dpIUI). I'm going to test on Wednesday, day 10. Is that okay?

Should I wait until closer to my period? It's scheduled to start Saturday....

I think I prefer the natural way....

2010-04-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

First - thanks to everyone for the good wishes! I really appreciate it!

My IUI was not an easy experience. I knew that I have a tilted cervix but wasn't aware that it was a tilt-a-whirl! It took a good 30-35 minutes to get the catheter in. Because Friday is operation day for my doc, she wasn't in the office to offer some help to the poor nurse trying to get the catheter in.

We had to use an ultra sound tech to help guide her through the procedure. Obviously she was doing the U/S topically which means she was pushing down quite hard right around my uterus, which of course is right next to my very full bladder! There were moments where I wondered if I was going to be able to hold it in.

If I get preggo from this it will be a miracle. There's part of me that's wondering if they got the swimmers in the right place....

But, I'm very happy it's done! I can't believe I made it to this point and am praying that this works. The good signs were good CM and intense ovulation cramping that is completely gone today so timing was perfect (hello trigger!).

Now I wait.

Mean while, here's a picture that captures how my dog feels about her meds. Somehow she got the package of meds out into the backyard and ripped open the bag. She's quite proud of herself.

Tomorrow is the day

2010-04-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, the feelings....

Tomorrow I very well could conceive my baby. The child I have always wanted, always knew I would have.

Yes, I know the odds are against me, but I refuse to be negative through this. I will get pregnant tomorrow. I will!

I will deal with the BFN if it comes, until now my mind is clear. My heart is ready and I believe.

The countdown begins

2010-04-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

Quick update:

I went in for day 12 check and had 2 at 1.6 (right) and one at 1.3 (left). My nurse is pleased with the sizes due to our guess that I have several more days to cook these eggs....last time I was on clomid I didn't surge until day 15.

Based on what I'm feeling, I probably won't surge on my own until Wednesday or Thursday, and if I don't surge before Wednesday night, then I'm injecting myself with a trigger (ovidrel) Wednesday at 9:15 and am IUI'ing on Friday at 9:15 am! (These are my nurse's instructions)

Meanwhile I'm wondering if I should go get acupuncture to increase blood flow to my ovaries.

I'm really praying that this works because WOW is this expensive! Ugh.

I think I'm ready to be basted

2010-04-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

To all my fellow bloggers who gave me words of encouragement during the tough selection time: thank you!!

I seriously had more trouble with this than I thought I would. I switched banks to one that has adult pictures and I also signed up for Donor Sibling Registry so I could get even more info.

Here's what worked for me (and some of this is based on your feedback - so again thank you!):

Picture - shallow? Perhaps, but I just couldn't get past the fact that I couldn't see the person. My donor is not gorgeous, but there is something there.
Eye color - I have blue eyes and I figure why not get a blue-eyed baby. It's the part of me that will show through if my donor has very strong genes and my baby doesn't look like me.
Essay - My donor's essay was great. I really liked him after reading it. It gave me a great insight to who he is.
Personality - My donor is INFJ and I'm ENJF with a hardcore E (extrovert) - I think it would be a good balance for the child not to be as completely extroverted as I am. I like that my donor is quiet and introspective.
Reported pregnancies - I don't have time or money to worry about this part.
Siblings - There are registered siblings of my donor - I like that!

Prior to making this decision, I was really beginning to doubt all of this. I guess the whole donor thing really freaked me out and made it all too real. Not to mention, I spent Saturday afternoon with a house full of screaming kids (about 10, ages ranging from 3 months to 6.5 years). It made me really wonder if I could do this and if I really wanted this.

But now, I feel at peace and know that I'm making the right choice.

Tomorrow is follicle check. If I don't trigger before that, I'm guessing I'll have to take my shot and will probably IUI on Wednesday. I'm going to push for that because I need to order my guy's swimmers tomorrow!

Woooo weeee!

Sperm, sperm everywhere and nor a drop to...what?

2010-04-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

So of course I have waited until the last possible second to find my baby daddy.

So here I am with a glass of wine looking for my baby daddy. Is this wrong? No, not for me. I am the type to jump in first, think about water temps later.

Why the wine? Aren't I IUI'ing this month? Yes, but a glass of wine is okay - I'm not IUI'ing until next week. I'm self-medicating because this is very strange and scary! I found one guy that seems good on paper, but what if he's a sociopath in real life? AHHHHHHH!

Also, I am beginning to feel like I'm on-line dating, not looking for a sperm donor. Maybe that approach is the right approach. I would never bed anyone to whom I wasn't attracted, so perhaps searching for a baby daddy this way is okay?

Ugh.

The psychologist at CCRM said that I picking a donor who "speaks to me" is important.

Okay.

Tonight, the favorites will be weeded down. The true donor won't be picked until tomorrow.

Tomorrow - Cycle day 8 - the day the wine is put away, the clomid finished and the sticky-good-egg thoughts become front-and-center in my mind as I pray for an amazing 41-year-old-egg's first time luck!

Books for Kids born of donor eggs, sperm or embryo

2010-04-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

All -

I got a lot of questions about the books the CCRM psychologist recommended to me.

Here they are (available through Amazon.com or Tabpestrybooks.com): For 3-7 yrs

"Sometimes it takes three to make a baby: Explaining egg donor conception to young children".
"Hope and Will have a baby": Egg Donor, Sperm Donor and Embryo Donor (it's several different books)
"Why don't I have a Daddy? A Story of Donor Conception". (This book has a creepy title and more creepy illustrations, but still the story is okay. It's good for young kids who don't recognize really poorly drawn animals.)
"The family book" (donor conception, single parents or gay parents) THIS BOOK IS AWESOME! She showed me pictures and it almost made me cry. So colorful and so sweet...this is a must read for all children, period! This is awesome too: "It's okay to be different"

The CCRM psychologist said it's important we don't use the words daddy when it comes to our "helper". She said those are emotional words. Also, she said to tell the story of how much your baby was loved from day one. She said to hold your baby and say something like, "You are so loved that mommy got a helper to make you happen". She said the more you talk about it with your infant the more natural it comes.

Other books:

7 and up:

"Recipes of how babies are made"
"It's so amazing: A book about eggs, sperm, birth, babies and families"
"Where did I really come from"

I can honestly say she was impressed with all I knew already and the resources I have. It has a lot to do with my online network! I've learned so much from y'all.

Oh, and no cysts, the flow started when I arrived at the clinic, I kid you not. So, the net is: I'm going to be IUI'ing on the 20th or 21st!!!

Woooo weeee!

Where oh where is CD1?

2010-04-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow officially is suppose to be the first day of my period, however I have been spotting (which is normal) and cramping (which is normal) but all a little bit more intense than normal so I was sure it would have started by now.

So thus I scheduled my day 1-3 U/S for tomorrow and I'm concerned my period won't have started by then. I guess I would have been stuck no matter what because I'm traveling to Montana on Friday. I do NOT want to miss this cycle, to let another egg go to waste.

Ugh.

Also, I got to visit the HQ of the Reproductive Mecca for my Psych evaluation. This place is amazing - it's beautiful on inside and outside. My office is in central Denver, but the psychologists are all down in the main hub.

The evaluation was really interesting as she talked to me about talking to my child about having a donor baby daddy. She had a bunch of books for kids to help them understand (though some of the books were kind of creepy), but all in all it was really cool. One thing that I liked that she said was it's important to honor and celebrate my IUI days - she said I need to do something for myself in celebration of the day I may be creating life.

That's the thing I love about this clinic, I know they are the wizards of infertility, and are masters IVF, but they have treated me, the single old lady wanting only to be turkey basted, like a special queen through all of this. It's been great.

Anyway, I'm going in tomorrow and hope that I will start flowing tonight. I am way too old to miss any more cycles.

And yes, that picture is rather cold and grey, but I took it from my iphone on a cold and grey Denver day.

Being a mom to a Fur Baby

2010-04-05T19:34:00.000-07:00

So after eating garlic stuffed olives, asparagus and cookie dough for dinner (all the while thinking, I need to grow up and actually make dinner, not eat left overs and finger foods), I was faced with a sick fur baby and the mom in me took over.

Isi (pronounced "Issy"), translates to the word "Earth" in Kinyarwanda, the language of Rwanda, is my 2-year old yellow lab. I got her after I got back from Rwanda, where I built a home for a single mom and her three children (mom is HIV + as is one of her children).

Anyway, Isi is a little doll, the sweetest little girl, and she has severe congenital kidney disease.

So tonight, after puking twice, I gave her anti-nausea medication, which she threw up (uh, hello? Duh?), and administered her second dose (500 ml) of subcutaneous electrolytes via a needle. I'm an expert now...

Some days it's all her meds AND ear medicine and her subq fluids, other days she's great and only needs the minimal. She sheds all the time, goes to doggy day care 3x a week and is part of my schedule every day. Not the same as a child, but taking care of her, cleaning up her vomit and loving her unconditionally lets me know I could be a good mom.

Meanwhile, my heart is breaking for her. AND I'm really annoyed about anti-nausea medicine that needs to be taken orally. Hello? I'm going to ask my vet if she can lick pedi-lyte (sp) icy thingys they have.

If she doesn't stop with the vomiting, I'm admitting to the doggie hospital for the day (good TLC, plenty of fluids and other types of anti-nasuea). On a fun note, Isi goes to Alameda East, one of the same hospitals in Emergency Vets. These guys are amazing.

Self-indulgent

2010-04-03T20:48:00.001-07:00

Does anyone watch Am. Idol? Simon sometimes refers to people's song-choices or style as self-indulgent.

I think my last post was self-indulgent....probably because I don't have much to say until I actually start trying. Or maybe because I was being self-indulgent? Ugh.

Funny thing is regardless of my last self-indulgent post, I have done nothing further to be on track for my IUI this April. AF is probably coming a bit earlier than normal (normal is 30 days, but based on the mild cramps and a tiny bit of spotting, she is on her way soon), which means my timeline is tightening.

I don't know what is going on with me...last minute jitters perhaps? I don't know. Part of me is doubting my ability to be a great mom. I am questioning everything I do, wondering if I would be a good mom. I'm so incredibly hard on myself that I begin to doubt me.

Then I read the happy-new-smc-mom posts and I change my way of thinking. I love hearing happy stories, in fact I need those stories right now.

It's weird because before I made this decision my heart was broken thinking that I would never be a mom. Now that I know I could be a mom the doubts are hitting me.

Bottom line is, I'm going try in April. I am going to figure out who my baby daddy sperm donor is going to be and I'm going to be ready for my IUI.

Funny how blogging can be like therapy? I just worked this out via my blog.

So there world! Oh and good sticky baby thoughts for my fellow blogger who is still nervous about her BFP....thinking about you!

xxoo blog world! And thanks to all of you for letting me figure it out via my weird post!

Hera

My psych evaluation & botox

2010-03-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

So I missed my pysch evaluation.

I feel like now they will think "She missed her appointment, so clearly she's crazy and unorganized so no baby for her!"

Every time I do something like that, or lose something I now think, "Can I have a baby? Will I lose my baby or forget it somewhere?"

Irrational thoughts, but still, they're there.

Here's what I need to do before the 3rd week of April:

Reschedule my psychological evaluation so CCRM can turkey baste me.
Pick out my baby daddy.
Get botox (see below)
Lose 10 lbs

Please don't think I'm vain or judge me, but I've been loving botox since I was 35-years old. I first tried it after a day of skiing left me with two white lines where my frown lines are - I had been squinting and frowning so much while skiing that part of my face didn't get any sun!

My mom calls our frown lines the family curse and I did something about it. Best thing I ever did. But, while there is no evidence to this you probably shouldn't do it while prego. So, thus I need to get it done before my first IUI.

I'm 41 but I try to maintain and seem to only attract young men or older married men. The last guy I dated was a 24-year-old former tight end with a really tight end. I wasn't kidding when I said I was slightly immature. My good girlfriend saw my description I have on my blog and said "former?" sarcastically. (I am calling myself a former party girl, but hey, I'm not pregnant yet and while I have cut back a ton, I still cut loose sometimes).

Anyway, just me sharing a bit of me.

That was then, this is now. Now, I want to stay home at nights and play with my baby. I want to go on playdates and kid's birthday parties. I literally have done it all and now am quite content to being a homebody with my little baby (God willing).

Does anyone remember the song, "Never been to me"? Quite sappy this song, but it's about a woman who did it all but in all reality just wants a family? That's me....

For all of you who are now humming this song, I apologize. For those of you who may not know it - check it out here. I warn you it's a tad ridiculous and sexist, but I still like it.

Getting Anxious for my April IUI

2010-03-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

So, my first IUI attempt is in April and I'm so excited for it.

It's medicated because CeeCeeRM doesn't recommend even attempting non-medicated at my age based on all their info. I will be doing Clomid with a Ovidrel trigger.

I had my LH surge on day 13 again, which is been my constant until I was on clomid - on clomid I didn't surge until day 15 and I had 3 follicles - one massive. I feel myself ovulate every month, but this was completely different - much more painful.

If I had $15K sitting around I would seriously consider just going for the IVF study they are running at CCRM of my age and my risk of chromosomal issues and resulting miscarriage.

But alas, I do not have $15K anywhere near me.

So, in prep for my IUI I'm going to start weaning myself off the poison that is aspartame (co.ke zero and all the gum I chew), start taking fertile-friendly supplements and find myself a good acupuncturist. I plan to take my IUI day off from work so I can have complete serenity as I visualize my baby daddy sperm reaching my chromosomally perfect egg.

Has anyone seen the trailer for the DIUI movie, "The Backup Plan"? I'm excited to watch it, even though I will probably want to barf during it - (not a fan of American Romantic comedies...British romantic comedies on the other hand....oh yeah!) I also like that one of the characters on "Fast Forward" is having a baby on her own. I also read that Jennifer Anniston is thinking about doing that as well. (I read it in some trashy mag at the check-out stand so take it at face-value).

Makes me feel like I have company outside of my online world.

Anyway - happy Friday Folks!

Babies at work and my fat butt

2010-03-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

So after I finished my post, I started reading more posts and discussion boards and, of course, found tons of info to support that even though I have good numbers, my chances are low. I tell myself to stop worrying. I'm worrying about nothing right now...because I haven't even tried!

But still....it's hard. I'm going to stop thinking about ANYTHING negative and only think about positives: a positive HPT after my first IUI, and good test results through out...and a long 9 months!

Oh, and interesting tidbit from my life:

A woman in my department is prego from a guy in another department and she's hiding it (not very well). I'm a white-collar worker and this type of stuff just does not happen in corporate America! It's very juicy and people are talking specifically because they kept this relationship secret. Personally, I'm really happy for her. A part of me was annoyed though (this is going to sound so ridiculous to you all, but I have to share) - my first thought was "that's suppose to be me! I'm the single girl getting prego in this department!!!" Hee hee.

Anyway, today I'm cleaning my house. I'm a pretty messy person who has to constantly pick up after myself. I like CLEAN, but I'm messy. I hate messy too. I love neat and tidy, but my brain doesn't work that way. Lord only knows what will happen when I bring baby into this mix.

My goal is to have my house clutter-free, clean from the bottoms of my basement closets to the top of the fridge before my first IUI. I also plan to lose about 10 lbs from now until my IUI. I'm on the NEW Atkins - which is healthier than the last and have lost 8 lbs so far - high glycemic carbs and me don't get along anyway. This diet is proof that I need to be a veggie/protein eater with some natural unprocessed grains sprinkled in here and there.

Right now I'm wasting time writing and reading blogs. I'm noticing my a lot of my regular bloggers aren't as prolific with their writings now that the babies are here. I wonder why? :-)

I'm also excited to discover a new blogger who is "thinking" - I want to connect with more SMCers in either "thinking" or "trying". Not that I don't love the baby stuff too - i'm already learning a lot from those blogs.

Finally, tonight I'm off to the best sushi restaurant in the continental USA: Sushi D.en and then meeting up with a guy that I kind of like.

Have a great weekend everyone!

I'm all "regrouped" and on to April!

2010-03-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

So....

This long month of testing if finally done. Unfortunately my re-group was scheduled on CD day 7 so I can't try IUI this month. We're not even considering unmedicated IUI - my clinic is all about the best possible chances, and unmedicated is not on their list.

I have IVF in my head a bit and am thinking about it a lot. My doctor is quite sure I will have success with it because my numbers and my egg count are so good. The reason I'm thinking about it is if I do it, I could possibly have another baby. I know, I am not even pregnant with my first, but, hey, at my age, I need to think about this stuff. If I do it now and freeze the rest of the embryos I can use them later...

Also, my clinic is running a study for people over 38 - 50% of the participants embryos will get tested for genetic problems and 50% won't - those who won't will receive a fresh embryo transfer AND get their remaining embryos tested! Those who get chosen receive a frozen transfer - but a guarantee they have a healthy baby.

The bonus to this study? It's about $10K less than what you'd pay to do IVF with the testing - it's about $8k less than normal IVF. (They're paying for all the meds and certain tests)

So, that's that. Me and Dr. M both agreed to try it at least once. She's very, very positive about my chances, which is great and I'm lucky at my age. My FSH day 3 was 5.5, LH 4.9 and Estradiol was at 39, after the Clomid at day 10 it was 6.8, LH 11 and Estradiol 304.

My resting follicle count was high for my age (which is why I did all the PCOS testing) it sat at 10-12 right and 14-15 left.

My PCO(S) tests all came back negative, but she still thinks that there may be PCO activity due to my high follicle count. I don't have a single PCOS symptom either, but I guess you can still have issues with out have the symptoms or blood work issues associated with PCO.

She said that I could be like another 41-year old who got prego on her first IUI. Ha! Fingers crossed.

I have month before I try and I'm doing a lot of thinking. Last week I had such a tough week at work I wondered if I was considering the right thing. But after talking to friends I realized that life is tough and I can't control everything and there will be good weeks and bad - a baby won't change that.

Ultimately, I am pass the point of going back. And, if it doesn't work soon, I think I will do IVF. I just need to figure out how in hell I would pay for it....

I drank the kool-aid and now I'm insane

2010-02-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

This weekend, I think I spent more time reading people's SMC & infertility blogs and searching for new blogs and message boards than I did actually talking to human beings.

I can officially say that I'm an obsessed woman. Here's what I obsess about:

My fertility chances because of my age- the information on the internet and the blogs paint a bleak picture. So thus I obsess. I know I haven't even had my first IUI, but yet I'm still freaked out. I have heard good things too - I have a friend who gave birth to her first child at 41 - non-medicated and naturally with her husband. I had a friend in Grad school who accidentally got prego at 40. Fellow blogger, Heather, has a 40-year-old friend who got BFP on her first IUI! But still, I obsess.
Money - While I own my house and a rental property, I am not always responsible with money. And because I didn't sell my first house when I bought the one I'm in, my mortgage is high and things are tight.....and with the cost of sperm these days! (I'm going to start throwing that out in conversations with my friends when we talk about money...). Seriously though, each IUI will probably set me back $1.5K at least. I'm not sure how many tries I will be able to do.
Actually getting pregnant and having a baby - While this is my dream, it also scares the living hell out of me. My job is extremely demanding and I often work long hours - this will have to change. I will need help outside of daycare due to the fact that I have to travel for work, and my schedule. How will I afford it? I can't sleep at night and end up looking up prices for strollers (I'm in love with probably what is the most expensive stroller in history...and why am I looking at strollers?). I want this so badly now....and it's making me crazy!

I think back to my first appointment with the best Fertility Doc in the world, the Wonderful Dr. M, and to when I said "I'm thinking about doing this, but I wanted to see what my chances are first..if this doesn't work I won't do IVF." She smiled and said, "yes".

Now I know she was really thinking, "Yeah, right."

I honestly am now thinking about how I would pay for IVF at this point and I haven't even begun.

Yes, I've gone insane.

What am I going to combat this? I've decided now that time has slowed down to a crawl (each day is another day I have to wait until CD1) I'm going to set weekly goals for myself. Something to focus on besides: baby, baby, baby, bfn, baby, iui, baby, age, baby, old eggs, baby, bfp, mc, baby,baby,chromosomes, baby.........

So the goals for this week:

Finish my medical tests: I have the 2-hr glucose test to see if I have PCOS. After reading all the symptoms, I've concluded that if I have it, it's mild. This will be the conclusive test - I hope to do this Tuesday morning, first thing. The other test is the Progesterone Test. This will be done in Providence on my biz trip due to the fact that it has to be Thursday. These are easy goals as it is part of my obsession.
Walk my dog the THREE mornings I'm home. This includes the morning I leave for my trip. Ugh.
Finish the Ian Rankin book I'm reading - I'll have plenty of time during my trip to and from Boston.
Keep the kitchen clean (no dishwasher in this old house besides moi).
Have dinner/drinks with a friend. (I've quit drinking to prep my old body & worn-out liver for baby-making)

That's it. Very easy. Oh and I'll be watching the baby count-down for Heather and reading everyone's blogs...I'm not always good at commenting, but I'm reading!

A smiley face makes me smile!

2010-02-23T20:37:00.000-08:00

So, since I'm OPK-obsessed this cycle, I POAS'd today once first thing, twice during at work and once before bed and guess what! Smiley! This is the first time I opk'd more than twice in a day, so maybe I did LH surge last month. It sure felt like I did.

I'm so glad because I saw that gigantic follicle and was worried it was turning into a cyst. Here's to hoping the egg has left the ovary and is traveling down my oh-so-clean-and-clear tubes so that my ovaries will stop cramping! I'm sad that there's an egg going to waste. Bye egg! The rest of the eggs will miss you.

On that note, I'm off to bed because this is getting uncomfortable.

I didn't mean to import such a large picture! But it's a happy picture.....

Are these eggs old?

2010-02-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

"Are these eggs old?" .....that is the only time I have uttered the words: "eggs" and "old" in the same sentence, and usually that utterance was under my breath while trying to find the expiration date on an egg carton.

Now, it's all I think about. "Are my eggs mother-f*ing- old?!"

Well, of course they are, I'm 41, not 21.... but could they be okay for a baby?

I am praying so. (yeah, us former-party girls pray....)

I don't mind putting myself out here for all of you to see. I have been crushed and broken as a single gal, by the wrong men, so many times, that my heart is a bit tough. Is it baby-wanting-tough? No, but I still want to be honest now. (per my last post)

My OB/GYN's nurse called me today (not my RE doctor as she'll get the fax so I got the info FIRST) and told me, "Dr. P wanted me to call you and tell you your blood tests came in and they look GREAT!"

Me: "Really? Awesome"

"Yes, they really are good results. We'll fax them over. Bye."

Me: "Uh"

So here I was, at work, taking this call on my personal cell in the middle of a massive conference call (the kind where you can be on mute and multi-task and never hear a word of the call), receiving good(?) info.

Here are my feelings:

I'm very, very pleased that my 3-day blood tests are good - this matches my ultrasound antral (resting) follicle count in that it helps rule out PCOS.

But I also recognize that I still have old eggs.

I'm being honest and realistic.....I have good follicle counts and good results from blood test # 1 but I'm still over-the-hill. The internet can be your best friend and your worst nightmare...as you women of 'advanced maternal age' can relate to.

Anyway, tomorrow is my HSG (hysterosalpinogram)!!

I'm excited because all my friends who tried when they were older (late 30s), said this clears out your tubes! I can't wait to get years of "gunk" (gross) cleared. I'm pretty sure this will be okay. I don't know why, but I know this test will say nothing conclusive.

Anyway, I'm just glad I will know that i have a "chance" when this is all done! I'm happy that so far, so good! I can't ask for more as a woman of "advanced maternal age".

Moving on:

Babies.....

So, enough about my tests and more about BABIES!!!! BABIES EVERYWHERE!!! *SIGH* *LOVE IT*......A couple ladies whose blogs I follow had their babies and one is very, very close (yeah!)!!!! I can't tell you what it means to me to read these stories. If I never have a baby, I will NEVER stop loving the baby story!

Loving the pictures, loving the "love" I read. I want to know deep in my heart, 100% that this is the RIGHT thing for me and reading other's stories means so much....

Okay, enough said.

Next post: "I may have OLD EGGS but I am hot!!" :-)

The tests come and so does the truth...

2010-02-11T18:06:00.000-08:00

FINALLY....

AF came and I was able to start all the tests!

Today I had my blood drawn for Day 3 blood work and did my follicle count (AFC - I just found out that's what it's called).

They counted 28 follicles - which they said was good news and there were NO cysts to stop the CCT (Clomid Challenge Test). They also said that my uterus looked good. I said, "Thank you, a lot of people tell me that." Just kidding....

Anyway, I begin CCT on Saturday and then next Tuesday or Wednesday I have my HSG. Day 10 (the 18th) I have my blood drawn again, and THEN on the 22nd I have another ultrasound.

And so, on the 22nd I will pretty much know if I, at my age, have a chance. That means that in all reality, I could start the baby-making next month.

It's the day where I go down one road or another. It's my two roads in the yellow woods and I'm not 100% sure which path I will take. But if you're looking for the over/under on this - I am pretty sure the path I will take will be the grassy one, the one wanting wear..(All apologies to Mr. Frost)

....that's the scared me talking..the side that can't be completely honest and open.

The honest me is thinking this:

I know that deep in my heart a baby is what I want, but I'm scared of that want so I try to mitigate it with road blocks, reasons I shouldn't/wouldn't/can't have a baby. That's the truth.

It's just hard to be completely honest when the road ahead is shadowed with percentages and timelines that rise so high and far above you, it seems easier to turn around and go back.

It's easier to come up with reasons why not having a baby is a good decision for you, because the admitting the truth is opening yourself up to potential heartbreak.

Anyway...that's my honesty for the evening.

My truth is I want this, I really do.

My first appointment at the repro clinic

2010-01-24T19:27:00.000-08:00

So, I had my appointment at C.CRM on Friday and all I can say is WOW. These people are amazing.

I met with Dr. M, a fabulous woman with the best "bedside" manner of ANY doctor I have ever met.

She spent quite a bit of time with me outlining my possibilities based on my advanced maternal age. Bottom line: it will be an up-hill battle, but if my tests come back with any kind of positive result, then I'm going to at least try. I love a challenge and now I'm ready to go-for-it!

Here's what I have to do (many of you are all too aware of these tests):

Day 2/3

Ultrasound for resting follicle count (RFC) AND measuring my cysts. - I already know they are there, if they are large I won't be able to do the Clomid Challenge
Blood drawn for FSH, LH, Estradiol AND AMH (which Dr. M says is more important than any other blood test)

Day 5-9

Clomid Challenge

Days 7-9 after LH surge

Progesterone (part of the clomid challenge)

I have been assigned a nurse who will guide me through all of this.

IF numbers come back saying "Your OLD eggs have a bit of a chance," I will then do this:

HSG (Hysterosalpinogram)
Taken on day 6-12

IF and only IF all of this comes back saying "HOPE for the old lady with old eggs," then I will go on to the stuff I need to do to get baby daddy sperm. Apparently sperm is really expensive these days. Funny, because I think it's quite easy to collect if you really want to hook up with some young piece of meat at the bars, but, I guess this is about quality! :-)

So, what am I thinking? I'm thinking my chances are low and that I waited too long. But there is still hope. Like I said earlier, I have decided if the numbers come in good, I'm going for it. If they don't, then I won't.

It's that simple. Will I be sad if they come in bad? Yes. Yes, I will be sad, but it's not the end of my life. I love my life and have had a blast and will continue enjoying it the way it is. I will most likely seek adoption down the road or will marry a guy with kids....but at least I will won't say "what if?" The "what if" will be known and I can move on with a smile.

Sorry, for the quick sidebar, but this line from OAR (great band) says it best: "I made the mistake once of fearing an end.
Is this life that we live just the world's accident?
Not a chance, so I move on with a smile."

But, in the meantime, before I get all religious and philosophical, I'll got back to reality: I'm in fabulous hands at C.C.RM.

Another note: My doc told me medicated IUI is the best way to go at my age. She also told me had I wanted to freeze my eggs back when I was 33, I wouldn't have been able to, because the science to do so didn't exist. It does now, but it didn't then.

So, that's my update.

Meanwhile, I spent the day with my friend and her kids: swimming lessons and then just afternoon fun at the house. Her husband was out of town and she wanted some help - it was a blast.

Phenomenal Women - that's us!

2010-01-21T21:05:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my first RE appt and I was pep-talking with a friend and we started talking about poetry. This poem is from my hero, May Anelou, i don't need to say more:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Maya Angelou

Learning from blogs

2010-01-20T20:22:00.000-08:00

So I have to admit that almost every single thing I know right now has come from these blogs.

I started my online exploration of my single momhood journey by searching "artificial insemination" and "single mom" or something like that when I first starting thinking about this.

Yes, go ahead and laugh. I see the words "artificial insemination" and I LAUGH! Not only do I show my age, but my gosh it shows how little I know.

The first blog site I found was was Babyfor1 . (From her's I was sent to other's some of whom are listed on my fav blog sites - I haven't yet listed them all but I will.)

I remember getting all excited, thinking, "Wow! There are people like ME out there! Wow! Yeah!"

My anxiety level shot through the roof as I read every word of her journey. I didn't sleep at all that night.

And, then I started finding more stories and I knew that I needed to keep going.

So, I learned.

I learned about OPK'ing, about the mind-f that is the 2ww, about BFNs (UGH!) and BFPs!! (YEAH!)...about low betas and high betas....and about happy 6 week ultrasounds and about heartbreaking 6-week ultrasounds....

I learned from you that it most likely won't be easy (especially considering my age), and it very well might not happen, but I know what to expect at each turn and twist in this journey because of all you!

Yes, I was a lurker. I am trying to change that, slowly but surely. I will continue to try to de-lurk as I can because I want everyone who has helped me know how much it means to me.

PCOS and my awesome OB

2010-01-16T07:32:00.001-08:00

Wow.

Yesterday I had an appointment under the guise of a surgery consult due to the fact that I may have polycystic ovary syndrome (we need to do the blood work to figure this out), in reality I wanted to see what I could get "for free" (covered by my insurance as NO baby making stuff is covered by my insurance) before I visit my RE clinic next week...and....*big nervous sigh*: tell my primary OB. (I'm scared that people will laugh at me about this or make a tisking noise and look at me like an evil devil woman...)

But that's another story, back to the possible PCOS: I was having pain here and there to the degree that my OB did an ultrasound and determined that I do have several cysts. We are finding they come and go, so surgery isn't even on the table as it's not that bad.

Also, I hadn't met this OB before as my other one left the clinic.

Cut to the OB office, with my nice OB:

We talked about (PCOS), and she asked me if I was concerned about fertility. *YEAH* My chance to tell her about the fact I'm considering SMCing it.

Me:

"Uh, well, yeah, I'm actually I'm considering having a baby on my own even though I'm very, very old"

OB shuffles through my large file looking for my age. I don't look 41, but who really looks their age? And what does a 41-year old look like these days - look at 40-year old Jennifer Aniston. Anyway...

I jump in, "I'm 41. I believe that makes me of advanced maternal age."

OB, "That's just a name some old guys came up with. Don't worry about it right now."

Me, thinking that this woman is awesome says, "Thanks"

OB then says, "I think you may want to consider a clinic in Denver called CCRM. There's a Dr. there who specializes in PCOS and she's great" She tells me her name and I smile, "Wow, that's MY doctor and I have an appointment with her next week!"

She paused, glanced at my left hand and said, "Do you have a partner....or....."

"I'm going the donor sperm route," I quickly jump in and say.

OB, "Well great! They have ALL of that at CCRM," saying it like having a baby with donor sperm truly is BEST possible route. It was quite sweet of her.

The appointment is winding down so I figure this is my best opportunity to ask about "free" tests, and ask, "I was wondering what I could test for here under my insurance before I go to my clinic?"

She said, "Here let me fill out a lab form of everything I think you need. Give it to Dr. M and she can add to it and we'll run the tests because I would run them anyway." Then she said, "Because of the PCOS, if she marks that on your tests, they can run them there too and you'll still be covered."

So needless to say I left feeling pretty darn good. She also told me this stat:

"The biggest group of accidental pregnancies outside of 14-17 is 40-44" I love this lady!

Big happy *sigh* from me as I leave her office.

I have been road blocking this journey with feelings a "loserness" (Not a word, but that's how I feel.) That I'm a loser who didn't meet the right guy and I'm actually trying to be a single mom after trying NOT to be a single mom my whole life?

I don't want those feelings to roadblock me. I want to go into the final decision process with a full heart. Full disclosure, I am not 100% sure I will do this. Right now, I'm 80% sure, but I need time to think more as this the reality of it is slapping me in the face. I know I do not have a LONG time to think, and that I need to do this before I turn 42 because my eggs are rotting as I type.

I figure between my first appointment, blood tests, etc, and picking out my baby daddy from the baby daddy catalog, I will figure it out. I have only tried the OPK thing once, last month and surged CD13. I did the otc FSH POAS test and that came back okay which means nothing, I guess.

I'm on CD8 today and will begin OPKing tomorrow. I'm sure my doc won't have me ready for a couple of months. I will be very, very aggressive (this means drugs are okay with me!) with my approach because of my death-bed reproductive age. (Please note, I'm being sarcastic and refuse to let the ovary age define me or bring me down. I can't help being sarcastic because if you google over-40 pregnancy you get some horrific stats. I'm a realist but I have hope.)

I have been lurking on SMC blog sites, but have gravitated towards the ones where women are trying or pregnant because I needed to learn how to do this thing and I just love reading their thoughts and stories. I think I need to start reading about those SMCers with babies now so I can hear about the other side of the journey.

Well I'm off to do something productive with my day besides obsess about a baby, my fat butt and my old eggs.

This is the month and then TTC!

2010-01-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

So here I am.

Thinking I'm going to try to have a baby at 41..no, wait, 42. It's almost impossible, and by everything I have read, it IS impossible, but I'm going to try.

Why?

Well, first because of all the other SMC'ers on the Internet. The women who have given me hope, and faith and support indirectly through their honest and heart wrenching posts. I get online and I get energized!

When I'm alone, I think "really? You think you can do this alone?.....Hello! No you can't"...and so on. But, I get back online and I'm re-energized and feel good and ready.

And second: I, by chance, made my very first appointment for this "baby project" at a little clinic called Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine...turns out they have quite a track record. (I honestly didn't know this, just heard a few names in Denver and went for it). This gives me some hope. But, I know that I'm at a very advanced age for baby-making...I'm not kidding myself. Being open about it with the blog-land helps me.

Anyway, as all you SMC'ers or coupled chicks know, this journey could be super hard and painful, really easy, or somewhere painfully inbetween. I'm letting you in on my journey. I hope you join me here and there.

All my love to everyone out there with baby dreams!

xxoo,

Hera